There’s a report in USA Today about communities all over America printing their own “currencies” to help their citizens ride out the recession. The paper they pass around with nicely designed pictures of local icons, represents hours of community service people can trade for goods and services, or special discount coupons for local only businesses and residents.

Sounds like something California should take a look at:

1) Arnies – Jumbo-sized large bills with Mr. Universe statue, lightning bolts grasped in one hand and the other open-palmed looking for a handout. Bills can be used to buy California bonds to be redeemed in the next life or stuffed into paper bags to pay new higher taxes.

2) Jerrys – Crumpled old pieces of paper with side-by-side pictures of Linda Ronstadt and Mother Teresa. Usable to purchase historic Grateful Dead tickets. Motto to read: “Who me, Jerry?” New edition to be released shortly features Jerry smiling.

3) Gavins – Currency in the form of bottles of hair gel and Plumpjack coupons. Can be traded for new wives and old friends.

4) Tonys – To be used only in case of Antonio announcing for governor before he’s sworn into a second term as mayor. Value yet to be determined.

5) Stevies – Endless sheets of US dollars which can be used only to wallpaper TV and radio stations all over the state.

6) Meggies – See Stevies.

7) Garamendies – Depending on what he’s running for, either little tiny pieces of confetti with his picture on one side and no name on the other, or post cards of the US Capitol building wearing a cowboy hat. May not be in circulation for a while.

8) Diannes – rare and extremely valuable thank you cards from the senator with a picture of her ring to kiss. Can be used only for purchases in excess of $10 billion.

9) Campbellies – Shaped like an egg, this head of Tom Campbell can be used to pay only for the new tax increases in Prop 1A. Makes for great rear window bobble-doll with unshakeable smile.

10) Marcianos – shaped like very expensive, high-fashion jeans with picture of new gubernatorial candidate Georges Marciano. Must be worn only in malls. Picture of Georges featured prominently where you would GUESS. Not recommended for stimulating the economy.