Continuing its California-contrarian campaign, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security today announced its new “Cash Not Care” program.
Designed to be the exact opposite of San Francisco’s controversial “Care Not Cash” program, the federal “Cash Not Care” program will give victims of Hurricane Katrina a $2,000 debit card while, at the same time, telling them to “get lost.”
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“People were starting to catch on to the fact the government really just doesn’t care about these people,” says Genesee Voix-Prichard, a public relations specialist hired by the Department of Homeland Security. “We decided to use that sentiment to our advantage by implementing the “Cash Not Care” program.”
The local economy also was a factor. “The hurricane victims are interfering with economic progress,” said Rodney Poindexter, president of Houston’s Center for the Advancement of the White and Rich. Indeed, Houston alone had to cancel two gun shows that were scheduled to take place at the George R. Brown Convention Center. And Houston needs to clear the Reliant Stadium in time for the Houston Texans’ first home game on September 18. “Even with the $2,000 debit cards,” said Poindexter, “the victims probably can’t afford the hot dogs and 84 ounce sodas that are sold on game day.”
Cash Not Care also will have significant effects in San Francisco. For those San Francisco homeless who prefer cash instead of care, San Francisco is offering Greyhound bus service to the Houston Astrodome. “Passengers are hosed down and dropped off at the Astrodome,” said Bob Dumfries, deputy assistant of San Francisco’s Department of Homeless Relocation. “By the time they get there, and are all soaking wet, they look just like a Katrina refugee and will surely obtain the $2,000 debit card. Maybe two.”
Allison White, M.D., a psychiatrist specializing in domestic abuse cases, says the federal government’s response is familiar. “When someone hurts someone they love, they often try to make up for it with material things. For example, a husband who beats his wife may buy his wife a diamond tennis bracelet and hope she forgets about the lashings.”
Michael Chertoff, the Director of Homeland Security, wearing a dirty white muscle tank top, cut-off shorts, and flip flops, announced the “Cash Not Care” program at a press conference this morning.