Tag Archives: Funnies

Ed Jew Appointed As Water Czar

The California Water Conservation Authority announced Friday that it had appointed Ed Jew as California’s first Water Czar.  Jew, a member of San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors, said “I am delighted to share my experience of strict water conservation to help all of California during this difficult time.” 

More on the flip

Jew has a proven track record of water conservation.  As a resident of San Francisco’s Sunset district, Jew and his family somehow were able to live using very little if any water during the entire time they lived there.  And he has the water bills to prove it. 

Jew’s experience goes far beyond residential water conservation.  “Jew’s experience running a flower shop that didn’t even have a water account  will help California’s farmers develop ways to grow plants without the need for water,” said Tap E. Ocha, a member of the California Agricultural Water Board.  After a bone-dry winter, all of California is bracing for a drought this summer.  For example, Sonoma has instituted mandatory rationing and Southern California’s Metropolitan Water District has taken the harsh measure of asking people to please not water their precious Southern California lawns.  Oh the humanity! 

But this is where Ed Jew can help.  “Somehow Ed Jew was able to institute measures that reduced his family’s and his flower shop’s water use to almost zero,” said Q. Rick Lee, the Deputy Commissioner of the Water Conservation Authority.  “We are hopeful that Ed can teach other Californians to live a water-free life like him.” 

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has asked the CWCA to conduct a study of the financial impact of Jew’s water conservation program.  “I believe that by reducing California’s water usage to almost zero, we will be able to sell our water to other states, or maybe even to Mexico, and make enough money to cover the lavish expenditures of the out of control Democrats who want to fund education.” 

Jew is commonly known as “Tapioca Ed,” apparently a reference to the ability of tapioca pearls  to absorb and retain large amount of water.  A rally  is planned for today to launch Jew into his new position. 

Jew was last seen leaving his San Francisco residence singing “Rain drops keep falling on my head.” 


This is a report of the Calitics Fake News Service.  All facts sated herein and all quotes should be presumed to be made up in a sad attempt at satire. 

Schwarzenegger Appears to Abandon Referendums at Last Minute

(Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if it were true? It’s great for the laughs! – promoted by SFBrianCL)

Sacramento, CA (UPSI) – On the eve of Californians going to the polls on numerous referendums promoted and supported by Governor Schwarzenegger, he appears to have made a dramatic last minute reversal and now supports defeat of all the referendums across the board. The governor was seen at many locations today at the last minute apparently campaigning for the overthrow of all of the referendums, particularly proposition 75 which has upset the state’s teachers and firefighters as well as other organized unions. The referendums appear doomed to defeat based upon ongoing popular polls.

More in the extended [Edited by Brian for space]

The governor could not be reached for comment tonight, but a spokesperson heatedly denied the governor’s abandonment of his own propositions. When confronted with video footage and still photos of the governor attending and supporting an Anti-proposition 75 rally, the spokesperson immediately accused the California Democratic Party of a last minute campaign of dirty tricks intended to blur the issues and suppress Republican voter turn out.

“I’m positive it was him,” said Florence N. Gayle, a local registered nurse. “I’ve hated that face for over a year now, and I’m certain that I would recognize him in person. He stepped up to the microphone, and when everybody finally stopped booing, he explained about how he thought the whole prop 75 was a bad idea now, and apologized. The crowd went wild after a moment or so and then he rushed off. I’d recognize that accent anywhere, it was him, I’m positive.”

The governor’s office later issued a statement that the California State Patrol had issued an all points bulletin for the arrest of Warren Beatty, a Hollywood actor, and one of Governor Schwarzenegger’s most vocal opponents of the group of initiatives. Mr. Beatty was reached through his lawyer at an undisclosed location, and expressed surprise in the state’s interest in him. He further stated that he would not, at this time be turning himself over to custody, but stated simply, “I’ll be back.”

Calitics Funnies: “Cash Not Care” Program Announced

Continuing its California-contrarian campaign, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security today announced its new “Cash Not Care” program.

Designed to be the exact opposite of San Francisco’s controversial “Care Not Cash” program, the federal “Cash Not Care” program will give victims of Hurricane Katrina a $2,000 debit card while, at the same time, telling them to “get lost.”

See the extended

“People were starting to catch on to the fact the government really just doesn’t care about these people,” says Genesee Voix-Prichard, a public relations specialist hired by the Department of Homeland Security.  “We decided to use that sentiment to our advantage by implementing the “Cash Not Care” program.”

The local economy also was a factor.  “The hurricane victims are interfering with economic progress,” said Rodney Poindexter, president of Houston’s Center for the Advancement of the White and Rich.  Indeed, Houston alone had to cancel two gun shows that were scheduled to take place at the George R. Brown Convention Center.  And Houston needs to clear the Reliant Stadium in time for the Houston Texans’ first home game on September 18.  “Even with the $2,000 debit cards,” said Poindexter, “the victims probably can’t afford the hot dogs and 84 ounce sodas that are sold on game day.”  

Cash Not Care also will have significant effects in San Francisco.  For those San Francisco homeless who prefer cash instead of care, San Francisco is offering Greyhound bus service to the Houston Astrodome.  “Passengers are hosed down and dropped off at the Astrodome,” said Bob Dumfries, deputy assistant of San Francisco’s Department of Homeless Relocation.  “By the time they get there, and are all soaking wet, they look just like a Katrina refugee and will surely obtain the $2,000 debit card.  Maybe two.”

Allison White, M.D., a psychiatrist specializing in domestic abuse cases, says the federal government’s response is familiar.  “When someone hurts someone they love, they often try to make up for it with material things.  For example, a husband who beats his wife may buy his wife a diamond tennis bracelet and hope she forgets about the lashings.”  

Michael Chertoff, the Director of Homeland Security, wearing a dirty white muscle tank top, cut-off shorts, and flip flops, announced the “Cash Not Care” program at a press conference this morning.

Calitics Funnies: Magnetic Field Keeps Leaders Apart

[UPDATE Note: Calitics Funnies will be a recurring humor column at Calitics.  If you like it, or have any ideas, I’m sure they will be taken into account when posted. –SFBrianCL]

Republican Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was conspicuously absent from President Bush’s media appearances last week in Rancho Cucamonga and San Diego.  According to physicists at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, a magnetic force field is to blame for preventing Governor Schwarzenegger’s private Gulfstream jet from landing within a 50 mile radius of Air Force One.  

“It is a basic principle of physics that all political figures consist of positive and negative charges,” said Dr. Hugo Bastina of the Jet Propulsion Lab.  “Most figures have a balance of positive and negative charges, but in rare cases, the negative charge is excessive.”

See the extended…

Recent studies confirm that both President Bush and Governor Schwarzenegger suffer from excessive negative charges.  Last week, the nonpartisan Public Policy Institute of California reported that President Bush’s performance approval rating is at 38 percent.  Only 34 percent approve of Schwarzenegger’s performance, and all three of his ballot measures have less than majority support.  

“Outside of the laboratory, we have never seen the magnetic repulsion effects of two political figures who both have such high negative charges,” said Dr. Bastina.  “It is an elementary principle that two negative-charged figures will repel one another, but we have never before seen repulsion on such a vast scale.”  

An advance copy of the speech Schwarzenegger was prepared to deliver in Rancho Cucamonga shows that he would have built upon the alliance he formed with President Bush in 2003, when Schwarzenegger was campaigning to recall Gray Davis.  “There is no greater ally this Golden State has in Washington than President Bush,” the script read.  “In exchange for President Bush’s help terminating the special interest groups in California such as teachers and firefighters, I am offering my support to put an end to homosexuality and the teaching of radical theories such as evolution in our classrooms.”  But the speech never happened, and thus, this strategic alliance was never created.  

According to scientists, the alliance may not be formed in the foreseeable future.  Dr. Bastina concluded that “Until Bush and Schwarzenegger are able to resolve their negative-charge problems, they will continue to repel each other.  And if their negative charges become worse, you will see them much farther apart from each other.”

Political Action Committees immediately began raising money to build a special suit that will contain the negative force fields and allow Schwarzenegger and Bush to meet to discuss the alliance.