All posts by dood abides

President Bush Nearly Addresses Sheehan Protest Group

Crawford, TX (Rotters) – President George W. Bush this morning was attempting to address a crowd of supporters at his ranch and very nearly wound up addressing Cindy Sheehan’s Camp Casey antiwar activist movement. The president was out with his dog Barney for an early morning walk and noticed the arrays of crosses and tents about a mile from his ranch and made the assumption that this was the site for the pro-Bush war rally scheduled to occur later in the day.


Accompanying Secret Service agents quickly cautioned the president who then grabbed Barney and hurried away from the area and back towards his ranch compound. This, however, was not before Barney apparently accidentally desecrated one of the memorials. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan stated that they had apologized to Ms. Sheehan’s camp through certain channels. “We are indeed very sorry over this incident,” stated McClellan, “Barney is a small dog with a small bladder, and he’s pretty easily startled. This was certainly not done intentionally. The president was attempting to make a surprise visit to the pro Bush camp and made the natural assumption that the much larger encampment would be in favor of him.”

The accidental desecration went unnoticed until afterwards by Sheehan supporters. An anonymous spokesperson for the camp stated that no real harm was done, and that the memorial in question was quickly cleaned off. “Barney was scared, and just does what dogs normally do sometimes in that situation,” she stated, “but we all should remember that old saying about how dogs eventually come to resemble their masters.”

This latest example of a leadership void has dogged the president with an air of incompetence that has been unleashed since he was locked into and barred from leaving a press conference in Beijing last week. Bush has remained in isolation on his 1600 acre ranch on a six day Thanksgiving holiday, attempting to recover from his diplomatic vacation to Asia.

Bush is currently facing some of the most difficult times of his presidency, with Democrats and some Republicans openly questioning the facts and reasoning which led to the war in Iraq in the first place, and demanding major course changes. Secretary of state Condoleezza Rice earlier this week cited the uncovering of a secret torture bunker in Baghdad recently as positive evidence that America may soon be able to draw down some of their forces in the coming year. She stated, “I suspect that American forces are not going to be needed in the numbers that they’re there for all that much longer, because Iraqis are continuing to make progress in function, not just in numbers, but in their capabilities to do certain functions.”

Cruise Demonstrates Katie’s Sonogram Machine

New York, NY (APE) – Tom Cruise today unveiled the new sonogram machine that he purchased for his fiancée Katie Holmes. The purchase was recently discussed with Barbara Walters and will air on November 29 on ABC’s “Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005”. Excerpts of the interview are published in the latest issue of Feeble magazine.

The 43-year-old actor revealed that the couple elected to purchase the sonogram machine endorsed by the Church of Scientology. Cruise has been frequently condemned for his outspoken opinions against psychiatry and in support of the Church of Scientology of which he is a long-standing member. The Church of Scientology as well as the controversial concept of Dianetics were founded by noted deceased science-fiction author L. Ron Hubbard.

Cruise said that the machine cost $400,000, nearly twice as much as a typical top-of-the-line sonogram machine, but states that he feels that it was worth it. The machine was actually purchased from the Church of Scientology and Cruise announced that it will be donated back to the church upon the birth of their child. The couple will use the machine to monitor the fetal growth of their unborn child, and Cruise states that this particular machine has the added advantage of being able to “clear” an unborn child while in the womb.

The proud father then showed off the first picture obtained from their new machine. “It’s a little too early to tell whether it’s a boy or a girl,” said Cruise, “But the baby appears to be healthy. I can’t really tell whether it looks more like me or Katie, but it sure does appear to be awfully reclusive. I had a dickens of a time trying to get it to remain still for the picture. It kept turning away and it was almost as if it was trying to hide.”

The couple will be married sometime in the coming summer or fall, and the child will arrive after it has been completely cleared.


Bush Refuses to Pardon Democracy and Freedom

Washington, DC (Rotters) – In a stunning break with tradition, President Bush refused to pardon the National Thanksgiving Turkey and its alternate today at the official pardoning ceremony in the Rose Garden. The birds were named Democracy and Freedom by voting results from an online poll at the White House website. Also present for the ceremony were administration officials Karl Rove, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, and Vice President Dick Cheney.


The press in attendance were shocked as the President then personally carried out the sentence himself, producing a Katana sword which he had received as a gift from Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi during his visit last week. The execution was swift and clean, and Democracy and Freedom’s deaths appeared instantaneous and without further suffering.

After cleaning off a bit of blood spatter, the President offered a few words:

“My fellow Americans. This is indeed a violent, but necessary lesson for us all. We must be forever ready to act swiftly in defense of America lest this be the sword of terror which comes quietly in the night after our own Democracy and Freedom. As we all begin to debate the virtues of a war that we did not ask for around the holiday table, let us keep this in mind. Debate is a good thing, but in this season of Thanksgiving, let it be over how best to serve Democracy and Freedom to the rest of the world, and white or dark should all be equal. Let this symbolic act show the world how America will continue to deal with terrorist threats. Let us all be thankful that this administration will continue to plot a steady course for our brave sons and daughters in Iraq as well as those suffering at home as the result of natural disaster in these times of abundant fear. Thank you, and have a blessed Thanksgiving Day”

Scott McClellan spoke to reporters afterwards and said, “As the healthy debate over the war in Iraq evolves, it is important for you to know that just as in the natural disaster of Katrina, this administration had made no insidious plans. There was no planning at all, and to suggest so is as Vice President Cheney has suggested just ‘morally reprehensible’. We hope America will keep the fears for their loved ones as well as the fears of the terrorist attack which will surely come if we just cut and run in mind over this holiday season.”

When a reporter asked if the President wasn’t afraid of the appearances of this public execution, McClellan responded, “Ah, yes… bird flu. America can rest assured that while the virus actually surfaced here in America some months ago, pending confirmation it was kept a secret. No chances were taken with the President, however, and he had taken a dose of Tamiflu from the White House stockpile yesterday in anticipation of today’s risk of exposure.”

Another reporter pointed out that Disneyland would now be without its Grand Marshals for the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade after the demise of Democracy and Freedom. McClellan smiled and said, “The administration is way ahead on that one. The President will be pardoning Scooter Libby and Karl Rove, and they have agreed to perform in this capacity.”

Republican Leaders Schwarzenegger and Bush Meet in China

(Very funny… thanks dood… – promoted by SFBrianCL)

Beijing, China (UPSI) – Recent noted Republican losers California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and President George W Bush crossed paths in China as both embarked on Asian tours. Governor Schwarzenegger was there purportedly to promote trade with Asian nations, take a stance against pirated DVD sales, and promote the International Special Olympics, which he has supported for decades. President Bush was there for a brief stop to also promote the Special Olympics, for which he was a gold medalist during his college days at Yale.

Bush, checking an opponent in the Yale Special Olympics shot-putting event, circa 1969

Political analysts have been left to wonder over the attraction that China has for these two recent losers in their quest for political rehabilitation. There were some tense moments as both leaders and their first ladies seemed to be overwhelmed by adoring Chinese paparazzi. It was especially tense when the chants of “Ah-no” erupted, and it was unclear as to whether they were meant as condemnation of president Bush or adoration of governor Schwarzenegger.

Former Special Olympian Bush seemed to become a little peeved when he realized that the adoration was deferentially towards Schwarzenegger. He was notably temporarily confined to a wheel chair after yet another bicycle accident in Alaska yesterday. First lady Laura Bush stepped in and seemed to smooth over ruffled feathers, and the president brightened considerably when he was presented the Special Olympics torch in a ceremony by governor Schwarzenegger.

Schwarzenegger will continue his tour and attempt to promote trade with California as well as DVD anti-piracy attitudes and legislation in China. Bush will be left with the embarrassing task of addressing the impending ownership of the United States by the Chinese government with officials there. Both camps hold steadfastly to the belief that these trips in some way will address sagging poll numbers for both leaders at home.

Schwarzenegger Appears to Abandon Referendums at Last Minute

(Oh, wouldn’t it be nice if it were true? It’s great for the laughs! – promoted by SFBrianCL)

Sacramento, CA (UPSI) – On the eve of Californians going to the polls on numerous referendums promoted and supported by Governor Schwarzenegger, he appears to have made a dramatic last minute reversal and now supports defeat of all the referendums across the board. The governor was seen at many locations today at the last minute apparently campaigning for the overthrow of all of the referendums, particularly proposition 75 which has upset the state’s teachers and firefighters as well as other organized unions. The referendums appear doomed to defeat based upon ongoing popular polls.

More in the extended [Edited by Brian for space]

The governor could not be reached for comment tonight, but a spokesperson heatedly denied the governor’s abandonment of his own propositions. When confronted with video footage and still photos of the governor attending and supporting an Anti-proposition 75 rally, the spokesperson immediately accused the California Democratic Party of a last minute campaign of dirty tricks intended to blur the issues and suppress Republican voter turn out.

“I’m positive it was him,” said Florence N. Gayle, a local registered nurse. “I’ve hated that face for over a year now, and I’m certain that I would recognize him in person. He stepped up to the microphone, and when everybody finally stopped booing, he explained about how he thought the whole prop 75 was a bad idea now, and apologized. The crowd went wild after a moment or so and then he rushed off. I’d recognize that accent anywhere, it was him, I’m positive.”

The governor’s office later issued a statement that the California State Patrol had issued an all points bulletin for the arrest of Warren Beatty, a Hollywood actor, and one of Governor Schwarzenegger’s most vocal opponents of the group of initiatives. Mr. Beatty was reached through his lawyer at an undisclosed location, and expressed surprise in the state’s interest in him. He further stated that he would not, at this time be turning himself over to custody, but stated simply, “I’ll be back.”